Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills (DBT)

DEAR MAN: Getting What You Want From Another Person

·      Obtaining your rights

·      Getting another person to do something you want

·      Saying no to an unwanted or unreasonable request

·      Resolving interpersonal conflict

·      Getting your needs and feelings heard

DESCRIBE: Describe the current SITUATION, stick to the facts, tell the person what you are reacting to (e.g., “You told me you would be home by dinner but you didn’t get here until 11pm”).

EXPRESS: Express your FEELINGS and OPINIONS about the situation, do not make assumptions (e.g., “When you come home so late, I start worrying about you”).

ASSERT: Assert yourself by ASKING for what you want or SAYING NO clearly. Don’t assume others can read your mind and know what you want (e.g., “I would really like if you would call me when you are going to be late”).

REINFORCE: Reinforce or REWARD the person ahead of time by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or clarify negative consequences of not getting what you want (e.g., “I would be so relieved and a lot easier to live with if you did that”).

MINDFUL: Keep your focus on your goals, maintain your position, don’t get distracted (e.g., ignore attacks and be a broken record by “saying no or keep expressing your opinions over and over).

APPEAR CONFIDENT: Appear EFFECTIVE and competent (e.g., use a confident voice, good posture, strong eye contact, be decisive).

NEGOTIATE: Be willing to GIVE TO GET (e.g., offer and ask for other solutions, reduce your request, say no but offer another solution, focus on what will work)

GIVE: Keeping and Improving the Relationship

·      Acting in such a way that the other person keeps liking and respecting you

·      Balancing immediate goals with the good of the long-term relationship

·      Maintaining relationships that matter to you

GENTLE: Be NICE and respectful (e.g., no attacks, no threats, no judging, no sneering)

INTERESTED: LISTEN and APPEAR INTERESTED in the other person (e.g., listen to the other persons point of view, face the person, don’t interrupt, be sensitive to the other person’s needs and wants).

VALIDATE: With WORDS and ACTIONS show the other person you are listening and understand their feelings and thoughts about the situation (e.g., “I realize this is hard for you” “I understand where you are coming from and how this makes your feel ____”).

EASY MANNER: Use a little humour, SMILE, be light hearted, leave your attitude at the door, be political.

FAST: Keeping or Improving Self-Respect

·      Respecting your own values and beliefs

·      Acting in ways that feel moral

·      Acting in ways that make you feel capable and effective

FAIR: Be FAIR to yourself and to OTHERS, VALIDATE your own feelings as well as OTHERS.

(No) APOLOGIES: Don’t over apologize or apologize for your feelings or opinions.

STICK TO VALUES: Stick to YOUR OWN values, be clear on what you believe in, stick to your guns.

(BE) TRUTHFUL: Don’t lie, exaggerate, or make up excuses.